Back in time....just breathe

I normally try to post about things happening in our life in chronological order so that I can go back and 'relive' the memories when the mood strikes. However today I just can't seem to get past this occasion and need to start in the present.

I have been thinking about this milestone for what seems like an eternity - the triplets starting kindergarten. While many parents (moms) dread this day when their baby leaves them, I have been anxiously waiting for it. Yes, partly because with 3 boys the same age, quiet in my house is scarce, but the other part is because I feel like it is my first 'test' of how I am raising my boys, what kind of job am I doing as a mother?

I don't mean are they smart or how do they compare to the others in their class academically. I mean, am I raising them to be polite, caring, independent young men? This is my first test. With Chase, I felt like I was passing with flying colors. He went to Kindergarten and WOWed them (and me as well). He has been shining bright in school, as a person, and I couldn't be more proud of him. But with the triplets, the doubt has crept in to my mind. Have I given Jack too much attention and coddled him too much? Do I allow Anthony to pout or whine when he doesn't like the outcome and therefore not allowed him to learn how to solve conflicts? Does Graham know that he has a voice that can be heard and appreciated when he chooses to use it? Any other Moms out there know what I am talking about? Maybe it is just me because of the unique situation of having triplets, but somehow I don't think that is the case.

When the boys each went for their "first" day of school, I was lucky to have Chase be able to leave the car and walk with them to find their teacher on his way to class. You see, this is the first time when they have been 'alone' for a major milestone and that is hard and scary for me. I am used to being able to take comfort in the knowledge that they have each other and they will take care of each other when I am not around. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were days of great pride for me, but also of great anxiety. What if I failed them and they didn't know how to cope? I have had a knot in the pit of my stomach for weeks now and it grew bigger as the start of school approached. As we moved through the week, the knot didn't lessen, it just shifted. The worry came in different forms, manifested itself in different ways.

I am all smiles and joyful when people ask how I feel about the boys starting school. I don't want the boys to see that I am nervous because I know that they will feed off of me and I have to be positive and excited for them. But inside, inside, I can't breathe. I worry all the time and stare at my phone waiting for the call from the school that says one of the boys isn't coping. As a mother, this has been my hardest test to date. So as I drop the boys off at carpool each morning with a smile on my face and words of joy and encouragement, I look back in the mirror and watch them walk away with tears in my eyes and nerves in my gut. It is only when I get to see their faces at the end of the day and they climb in the car jabbering away and talking over each other the tell me how things went that I can start to breathe again. I am guessing that time will ease this for me just as it does for all pain but I am not sure that it will ever go away completely. A piece of me leaves every day and as they continue to grow and mature, I know that more and more of me will stay with them in the hope that they will know they are always loved and will always have me holding my breath, waiting for them to return......

Chase - First day of 2nd grade

Anthony - First day of Kindergarten

Graham - First day of Kindergarten

Jack - First day of Kindergarten

A, J, G, C - first day all 4 went to school together (7/21/2016)

To my boys,

Know that words will never be enough to tell you just how proud I am of you. What you have already become and accomplished and what has yet to be seen serves me with great pride and joy. You are the greatest gift I have to offer the world and I am proud that you are able to go out there and find your way and make your mark. Don't ever doubt how much I love you or the fact that no matter what happens, I will always love you....

Love,

Mom