5 years later....

**Note: I wrote this post in my head on January 27th, the day the boys actually turned 5**

I woke up this morning and it was only slightly later than it was 5 years ago. I looked at the clock and the memories just started to flood my mind. Here I was, 5 years later, with these boys in my life and being so grateful that this is my life. The memories ranged from sneaking into Chase's room to peak at him as he slept before we left for the hospital to feeding the dogs. Well, I planned to feed the dogs, but they thought we were crazy for being up this early and wanted no part of it. As we walked into the hospital, well he walked, I wobbled, it all felt so surreal. It still seems surreal. How was it possible that in a few short hours, we would have 3 baby boys added to our family? Since I had pre-registered the day before at the hospital, the check-in process was easy. I do remember getting into my gown and chuckling with Jason and the nurse as we tried to get the monitors on all the boys. By this time of the morning, I was pretty awake and ready to get going. The time seemed to drag here as there was an emergency that pulled my doctor so the C-section was delayed. From there, I remember being able to breathe. Yes, I said breathe. You see, for the previous 9 months my lungs were being cramped into a significantly smaller space as these boys grew and developed. While Jason has all these other amazing memories of the birth, I remember finally being able to breathe. And then, being sick, sooo sick. Even with the drugs, I was still sick. Not the way a new mom wants to spend the first moments with her new child. Of course, I only had 2 in the room with me and for 24 hours, that was the case. I remember thinking that I was afraid that I was missing out on key bonding moments with Anthony. That somehow he would know that he had been away from me and it would alter our relationship. God obviously knew better because he is my most attentive and snuggly boy to this day. I am so thankful to be able to set those thoughts aside.

One of the last pregnancy pictures that I could find. Love that Chase and I are reminding ourselves that we are strong because that is what we needed these last 5 years!

As I moved through the day, different moments from the last 5 years kept encroaching and would give me pause. Many of them were little snippets that would mean nothing to everyone else, but to me, they were my world, my life. MY memories. As old and grown as my boys (all of them) may be, my memories would keep them however I needed them to be in THAT moment. There are days when I want to remember them laying on the floor as infants tugging on their feet and babbling to themselves.

On the screened-in porch table on a beautiful winter day

There are days when I need to remember all 3 of them together in the pack-n-play under one blanket sleeping peacefully.

Three sweet, sleeping babies....TINY babies

There are also days when I need to remember the all-day crying marathons, the endless time spent attached to the pump and the dirty diapers.

Then there was the crying....

and more crying....

Those are the times when I breathe a sigh of relief and cherish their growing independence and the freedom it gives me.

When I picked them up from school, they chatted away like magpies and I just smiled. When we picked up Chase and they all fought to tell him first about their birthday celebration at school. My smile was joined by some chuckles. And when we went to a buffet dinner where I watched them load their own plates and carry them back to the table and finish the meal with birthday dessert accompanied by individual singing of "Happy Birthday", my smile and my chuckles were joined by some tears. You see, I am not normally an emotional person. Some claim I am not sensitive. That is about the farthest from the truth as you can get. I choose to show my emotion as it related to what matters most to me.....my family. Today, my boys. So if you see me with tears in my eyes as I watch my boys perform at school or as I watch them learn a new skill and be excited, you will know that is an important moment for me. You see, it seems like as they get older and celebrate more birthdays, they will always be my memories and my babies. Nothing can take that from me....I won't let it.

First time I got to have all three at once

Taking a cat nap

Jack ~                                                    

You are a crazy kid these days. You do things that make me laugh and cause me to take pause. You force me to stop and listen because when I don't, you just say whatever it is a little louder. You love to play cards, and when I say love, I mean we play it all the time. Every free moment from morning until bed is spent with a deck of cards at the kitchen table with you. You have gone from not really wanting to play sports to observing at first and then taking charge and telling people how you want to play. The good news, they will do it because they are so excited that you are playing with them. You are still attached to "George" and all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. You still crave some quiet time by yourself everyday and will spend time creating these elaborate scenarios for your characters. Your vocabulary and math skills are growing by leaps and bounds and you talk non-stop. Your kind soul and concern for others makes me smile. I love to watch when you play with endless joy and don't think anyone is watching. I am so proud of how much you are changing and can't wait to see what your future holds. I love you and thank you for making me focus on the joys of being a mom.

Love,
Mom


Graham~                                                                  

Focus. Determination. Grit. Those are the words that I think of these days when you come to mind. You can spend endless amounts of time doing something if it holds your interest. You color and draw with a focus that astounds me. You also never give up. In some ways, that is a great trait. In other ways, it drives me crazy. When you get something in your head, you don't back down. From sports to board games, to eating new food or getting ready to leave the house, it has to be your idea (or at least you have to think it is yours). This stubborn strength is an amazing quality to have as you grow older and experience life. Your preference for quiet time is the softest animal you have at that moment. Your current passion is to play all outdoor sports with your mittens on, even when it is warm enough not to need them. You play with anyone who is willing and shine all the time. You crazy eyes and goofy grin make me laugh and you are the first to give me the "Liner version" of all school happenings. I know ALL the details when you tell me the story and you make sure to fill in anything that your brothers may omit or overlook. You run and glide and laugh with your blond hair flying around you. I love to watch you when you play and you act like yourself and have fun. I can't wait to see what your future holds. I love you and feel blessed to be your mom.

Love,
Mom


Anthony~                                                        

Energy. That one word describes you and your personality perfectly. While you can sit quietly and snuggle when the mood strikes you, you are mainly a boundless source of energy. You run, not walk. You yell, not talk. You laugh, not just smile. And when you get that glint in your eye, oh boy, watch out world. You make me laugh multiple times every day and it never ceases to amaze me how easily you do it. You are also a source of constant amazement to me. You are unassuming in everything you do. I have come to the conclusion that you are that way because you don't like the attention. Your word and letter recognition comes naturally and you don't even seem to realize what you are doing. You want to be involved but don't want to be recognized when you do something good. Being front and center is not your style. You like to blend into the crowd but somehow still manage to shine. You adore your big brother and seem lost in the afternoon until we get him from school. From that moment, you seem whole. Like you were missing a part of yourself and now that it is back, you can move forward. I don't think you are even aware of it happening. That bond is unbreakable and fills me with wonder. You are an amazing boy who makes the world seem right to me. I love you and look forward to many more smiles from you.

Love,
Mom


To my sweet boys,                                                          
                                                                                     

I know that you are eagerly waiting to grow up and time isn't moving fast enough for you. However, as your Mom, I am telling you that this is plenty fast for me. While it seems like ages ago when you were tiny babies who needed me for everything, I am not sure when you became these mature, independent boys who are eager to start 'real school'. I am going to remind you while reminding myself that we need to slow down and take in the moments. Let's not skip any steps along the way. We both need to focus on each day and taking away something from it. I know I cherish them and hope you do as well. I am amazed by you everyday and will continue to be so.

Love,
Mom